Note to self: there’s always blue sky behind passing clouds. Be the flower, not the bee.
I feel so easeful lately.
I felt this a bit before vacation, but returning from vacation, it’s on a whole new level.
It feels like…
Like anxiety melted off my body.
Like a windshield wiper came through and cleared all of the things I’d been focused on that don’t matter, and left only the things that matter most. It left family, friends, and connection. It left love. It left listening to my body’s whispers: its aches, its tingles, its warmth, its relaxation. It left a loose grip. It left trust and openness. It left surrender. It left seeing every experience and every person I meet as a teacher.
I left for vacation feeling like I was juggling balls. On the days when I felt easeful, it was because I dropped the rubber ones and prioritized the glass ones.
But right now, I’m not juggling at all. I’m not carrying anything. I feel weightless. It’s as though I’m a drive-through attendant. The balls come, I assess and address their order, and then they go on their way as happy customers.
Before and after the order, I am weightless. My arms hold nothing. My shoulders and hands relax. It’s almost like I’m floating.
This floating sensation. It used to terrify me. I felt untethered. Like I had no purpose and would disappear if I didn’t find something to carry, some rocks to weigh me down.
But now, it feels liberating. It feels like I have space in my arms for whatever comes in any moment.
This space used to terrify me too. I felt on edge, like I needed to anticipate what was coming so when it did come I would be ready.
But I don’t feel that either now. I feel comfortable with what already exists inside of me. I believe I have within whatever I need to tend to the balls that land in my arms. I think this is what trust feels like.
It’s energy inside of me. I close my eyes and see and feel this ball of white light I’ve had walls around, but now those walls have melted and I have access to this infinite source of light that can guide me no matter what balls land in my arms.
There is no need to prepare because the energy is always there & the feelings it sends through my body—a slight pang in my stomach, a flutter in my chest—hold every piece of guidance I need. It’s a lamp with an infinite flow of kerosene*. It’s the Sun.
So, what’s happened recently? What’s causing this?
I really don’t know. But I have some ideas:
Vacation for a week. Giving my mind a chance to pause, to walk away from hyper-focus mode for an extended period, gave me an opportunity to zoom out. It gave the windshield wipers a chance to clear some of the crap I’d been so focused on, and to bubble up the beauty that I must focus on. My values: family, friends, love, connection, health.
Mental reframing. I have many friends and family visiting Amsterdam over the coming months, and I was feeling anxious about all the time I’d lose or need to make up to continue advancing my business. I started planning on setting expectations with them that I’d need to work while they’re here, and almost started feeling resentful that they’d be taking up so much of my time. But thanks to those windshield wipers resurfacing my higher priority values, I mentally reframed their visits in a way that reflects that time with them means so much more to me than sticking to some artificial hamster wheel to advance my business: I am so grateful they are visiting me. How lucky am I to have so many beautiful people in my life who want to make a long trip to come visit me? How lucky am I to live in a place that I feel so excited to share with them? And how lucky am I to have time in a place I love so much with people I love so much? I think my heart just might explode. And I know if I were to spend the time they’re here working on things that are not urgent, I would regret it. In 10 years, I’ll remember the time with them far more than the hours of work I get done in those days. Because they matter. They matter more than any work in the world. When I surrendered to that truth, the stress I’d been holding about their visits and how I’d juggle so many balls melted away. I opened my arms and dropped the balls.
Sharing raw content. I shared a post about my new love of swimming last week. I wrote it quickly in my notes app on my phone and was happy with it. When I went to schedule it for posting the next day, I reread it and started editing away using all the grammar rules I was taught in school. About half way through, I reread what I’d edited and I realized the piece was so much worse with the edits. It was technically better, but sterile. It lost *me,* and if I wanted to write and share something perfect without me, I would use ChatGPT.
Pausing. My business coach helped me realize and cultivate this one. It’s helped with all the changes I already mentioned. Before doing or reacting to anything, I’ve started pausing for a few extra moments and tuning in to my body, heart, and spirit. I reflect on the moment—the decision I need to make or the opportunity I’m presented with—and instead of mentally scrambling to “find” an answer, I allow possible answers to float around inside my mind and notice which ones elicit a positive feeling in my body. The best next step becomes clear.
Stopped looking for love in all the wrong places. I never would’ve believed you if you told me this sense of ease would coincide with rejoining Instagram. The platform has, for a long time, been an energy drain for me. I’d give, give, give—in the form of time, creativity, and attention—and felt like it would take, take, take. I’d compare myself to other content creators in the wellness space, and would throw my energy into creating content that I thought my audience wanted or that I saw other creators having success with. I wouldn’t get the likes, comments, or follows I envisioned and saw those other creators getting, which left me feeling lost, confused, and deflated. Cued by my business coach, I made two changes: 1) I minimized comparison traps by muting most people on my Sunshine Table account, and 2) I got clear on what success actually looks like for me (it’s not likes, comments, or follows! More on this another time.). I was never going to create what felt easeful and good if I was creating in pursuit of metrics that don’t reflect outcomes I value.
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I spent so long polishing myself before sharing myself. And by that I mean allowing my mind to polish my heart’s creations using learnings from past experiences. What do the people around me like? What do they want to see? How can I change to give them that? To be that?
The thing I’m learning is the best version of me is the most raw version of me. Every meeting or encounter I’ve had over the past few weeks being so raw has been beautiful. No jolted, unnatural, “polite” corporate speak. No filling space in conversation with people I don’t know well to avoid being “awkward.” No withholding thoughts, information, or observations to avoid being “too much.”
When I’m raw, the person I’m with is more raw, and our exchange becomes magnetic. Sometimes it takes a while to peel back the layers they’ve worn, but as a wise man once told me: “the audience is like a head of cabbage. Sometimes you have to peel back their layers before they can really hear the music.”
What I’ve experienced lately is that our energy—something that is pure and real and authentic—cannot be edited. If we edit it, we lose it. And our energy is the most beautiful, valuable thing we have. It’s the life inside of us.
*I spelled “kerosene” wrong at first and it auto corrected to Caroline, one of my forever angels 🥹. & an infinite flow of Caroline is also very right here.