Working through my Perfectionism with a Health Coach
movies on Mondays and seeing the beauty of 80%
I’m trying something new for this off-schedule post: a peek behind the curtain at my own experience as a Health Coaching client.
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When A walked in the door this morning, following an early doctor appointment, his first words were, “I’m so proud of you. I know this isn’t easy for you.”
He’s right. This isn’t easy for me: I’m cuddled under a brown furry blanket on our navy L-shaped couch, still in last night’s light pink pajama set, with The Fableman’s playing on TV.
It’s 11:30 on a Monday morning.
I’ve been saying I want to watch a movie during the corporate work week since I quit in October. I’ve been saying I want to watch The Fableman’s, a film about Steven Spielberg’s childhood, for about six weeks.
I’m pretty confident I wouldn’t have watched the movie had it not been for my Health Coaching session with my classmate last Thursday.
As I settled in as the client, comforted by my classmate’s warm smile softening the cold Zoom frame on my laptop, I told her I’d like to focus on stress. I was a little nervous to choose such an ambiguous topic because I had no ideas in mind for how to remedy my stress and as a Health Coach myself, I knew my Coach wouldn’t prescribe solutions. I knew the answers would have to come from me and I was nervous about the possibility of not finding them.
As our conversation progressed, perfectionism quickly seeped through my stress’s porous facade.
Perfectionism has a way of digging its claws into me - my mind, my body, and my spirit - keeping me bound to my task until I see no flaws. Perfectionism keeps me running laps on its hamster wheel no matter where I am or what I’m doing. My Perfectionism is sneaky. It’d be impossible for you to know the full extent of it. I can have a full conversation with you, seeming very engaged, but my mind is miles away. I’m so good at splitting my mind in two, I’ve had conversations I can’t remember when the topic resurfaces anywhere from five minutes to five hours later. I obsess over the subject of my focus until I’m satisfied.
Perfectionism also keeps me from committing to trying new challenges and activities. At times, I’m fearful I’ll lose my capacity for spontaneity if I get stuck in Perfectionism’s grips. Other times, I’m scared of the uncertain path between commitment and perfection. What if I don’t make it? Still other times, I’m so lost in being perfect at what I already do - what’s already a habit or routine - the departure required to try something new would mean being imperfect at my routine.
Perfectionism keeps me incessantly focused on creating an end state that doesn’t exist instead of enjoying the journey.
As I explained my Perfectionism to my classmate-turned-Health Coach, a simple mental image made me feel so seen and understood:
When I travel along the path toward a goal, I enjoy 80% of the ride. I can get there without much stress and the product’s pretty great at 80%. Unwilling to accept great, I begin to work on that final 20%. I pull out my magnifying glass to get a closer look at the details, scrutinizing the subject for improvement. As I search for problems and answers, the time, stress, and anxiety begin to build and as they do, the benefits of improvement cannot exceed the negative consequences on my mental, relational, and physical health.
Past 80%, I’m often at the point of diminishing returns.
Our coaching session continued on to explore what my life might look like without perfectionism: I’ll have more fun along the journey, bring my personality into everything I do, and feel content to pause at 80% to spend time being truly present with the activities and people I love. That sounds so damn good. I’ll do whatever it takes to get there.
I have blockers, though. If it was easy, I would’ve kicked Perfectionism out the door a long time ago. So, we explored my blockers too.
Because I lose myself when Perfectionism takes hold, I struggle to know I’ve gone down the rabbit hole. Even when I realize it, I struggle to walk away. I need reminders. I need to remember throughout the day I can escape Perfectionism’s grip and I’ll be happy I did. I need consistent encouragement to walk away.
As we began brainstorming how I might remind and encourage myself, the vision of my life with less Perfectionism started feeling more attainable. I started getting excited about the possibility of kicking Perfectionism’s butt.
We settled on two near-term action steps, and three immediate action steps for accountability.
Near-term action steps
Write “80% is amazing” every morning at the top of my daily journal entries. This will serve as a daily reminder, or a mantra, for how I want to approach each moment of my day. For me, 80% is really amazing. As my coach eloquently reflected, when I do less, I do more.
Reflect on Sunday mornings about how many days I accomplished my goal of writing “80% is amazing” at the top of my journal pages. This step keeps me accountable for step #1. For me, reflection is a helpful form of accountability because I view reflection as a form of celebration.
Immediate action steps
Put a post-it note on the front of my journal that says “Aim for 80%. Reflect Sunday AM.” This serves as a reminder for me to do step #2.
Create a reminder in my phone for noon every day that says “80% is amazing.” This ensures I resurface my intention around lunchtime and carry it into the afternoon.
Write “80% is amazing” at the top of today’s journal entry, so I see it tomorrow morning and remember to begin the routine.
I’m five days into my action steps and I’m cautiously optimistic they’re working.
I watched a movie on a Monday morning.
I went for a run after the movie for the first time in years, an activity I love but avoid because I usually end up running at 120% and hurt myself. Instead, I ran at 80% speed and duration yesterday. It felt incredible.
I ended Monday feeling a little anxious, weathering my Perfectionism’s shame storm for not having done my “to-do list” items, like taxes and business planning, but then I came back to my vision - of enjoying the journey to 80%, bringing my personality along for the ride, and saving 20% for the people and activities I love - and the storm started to pass.
Similar to A, I’m proud of me. When I do less, I do more.
P.S.
The beautiful, transformative growth I’ve experienced over the past few months is one of the many reasons I’m so passionate and excited about starting my Health Coaching business. You can find more info about health coaching and working with me on my website!
Sending you lots of loving, gentle vibes for the week ahead.
Love,
Syd